never stop

just wanted to share this song with you, girls.  do you have some tissues handy?

if you scroll through my previous posts, you will find more posts about books than about boys or my love life.  one, because it is essentially non-existent (and cue end of pity party). two, because that just typically has never been me to ramble on about mushy gushy love stories, at least not here on my blog.

however, this little song popped up on pandora the other week, and it came to my attention again today.  it may not have the same romance-inspired lyrics of say frank sinatra's the way you look tonight, but there is just something that catches me about the realness in the modern lyrics.  there's realness about the modern, relevant lyrics.  for the full effect, i recommend the acoustic, wedding version.

ladies, does this not describe the insecurities many of us face in a relationship?:

he describes our worry, our insecurity:  "you always want to keep my gaze." 
he responds: "you're the only one i see, love.  and that's the one thing that won't change." 

i also find that this little phrase reflects such a factor of relationships that gets lost or overlooked in today's media and even in our day to day lives:

"i will never stop trying.  i will never stop choosing you, babe."

i know very little about this band, but even from what is likely a secular perspective on relationships, have they not hit the nail on the head?  this is what we hear over and over again from christians about what makes a healthy marriage, a healthy relationship?  there are some days that will likely not be easy to love or to choose (or prioritize seems to also stand out here to me) your committed one.  but it is a choice that can should be made.

my initial thoughts were, "oh, let me share this sweet, little love song with my girls because isn't it so sweet?!?!?"  i apologize now as this is turning into more of a spiritual post than i had originally intended, but i am going to go with it, because maybe someone needs these words (or maybe i just need to fill up a little more of the interwebs). 

as i continue down this path this very scattered, crooked path, perhaps, i remember a story shared by one of the speakers at a women's conference i was at this weekend.  a speaker was sharing her testimony about how her husband responded so gracefully to her after her three year affair with another man was revealed.  he responded with this (or at least something close to it), "honey, i don't understand why i am saying this, but i don't know how to not love you."  what an incredible testimony of love.  that to me sounds like a husband who hasn't stopped trying, who hasn't stopped choosing his babe.

and to draw it to a super spiritual close, that is redemptive love, my friends.  listen to your god whispering those same promises, those same declarations to you..."i will never stop trying.  i will never stop choosing you, my child...i don't know how to not love you."

...part of me keeps reading this thinking it sounds so cheesy. and part of me keeps saying, just click 'publish'. sometimes i give up on my blogging because i struggle with formulating my thoughts into words.  everything sounds so much better and more intelligent in my head.  so, thanks for bearing with me...as i click 'publish'.

run, randa, run

there has been an upgrade, folks.  0.0 to 4.0

i am running now.  on real ground.  not a treadmill.  i am slowly starting to enjoy it, too, but it is a slow very slow process.

for years i went to races and cheered on my runner friends, never thinking i would ever join the race.  well, with the encouragement from a few friends, i did it.  i ran a race.  i ran the virginia 4-miler. 

apparently here is the official result (which differs from the original placement that was posted, which had me bumped up about forty places...lame).  i have some work to do to get faster.  next year, folks!

fun fact:  about ten strides into the run, my pants were falling down.  so picture me holding onto my pants for the next four miles.  yeah, that was fun.  truthfully and thankfully, i didn't seem to notice all the much once we really got moving.  and then by the end, my tank top was slightly starting to unravel.  talk about wardrobe malfunction.  next year will be better!

you know what was better than the pretty, shiny finisher medal at the end?  my cheering crowd.  i. have. the. best. friends.

i am signed up for the turkey trot.  come run with me!

a world with octobers

missing you, blog, missing you. still trying to catch up on life.  someday, maybe.

just a quick post to say happy october, happy fall.  this seems appropriate since i finished the anne of green gables series last month.  it is a fun, little fall quote.

book lovers

happy national book lover's day*, book lovers!

truthfully, i was not aware that today was such a day until my roommie's sweet, thoughtful mother sent us this text message: 

kristi and i made a quick trip to b&n to make a book purchase to celebrate right along with momma finch. 

i know it probably seems as though i am well behind on my reading list, and i am behind, though i am not as behind as it seems.  i have about a half a dozen or so books i just haven't posted about yet.  i'll catch up, maybe, someday.

*the holiday actually took place on august 9.  posting a little late.  perhaps this takes away from my credibility as a book lover?  what if i say i actually bought quite a few books this week?  cause, honestly, i have.  i am so excited when the books on my reading list go on sale.  have to snatch them up.  and sometimes i have to snatch up a few others just to prepare for next year.  i need more bookshelves.


find my other 2013 reading list posts here:  les mis {part one}, les mis {part two}, march reads {part one}, march reads {part two}, when it rains, through the looking glass, to look almost pretty, spoken from the heart

the prince saves aunt randa

the memories i make with my niece and nephew over facetime are priceless. truly, precious moments.  this evening may have surpassed them all.  as is customary, daniellah and gabriel were reading me stories.  oh, the imagination of children!  tonight's story began something like this:

daniellah:  there was a scary dragon.
aunt randa:  that blue dragon looks really scary.  will someone save them from the dragon?
daniellah:  the prince saves the princess.

press repeat for this story about four times.

aunt randa:  where is aunt randa's prince?
daniellah:  (points to prince in the cardboard storybook)
aunt randa:  can you send the prince to aunt randa's house?
daniellah:  the prince goes to aunt randa's house.
aunt randa:  how does he get here?
daniellah:  on a horse.
aunt randa:  i can't find him.  where is he?
daniellah:  he's right there.  (points to the empty couch beside me)

story continues

daniellah:  there was a scary dragon.
aunt randa:  that blue dragon looks really scary.  will someone save them from the dragon?
daniellah:  the prince saves aunt randa.

aunt randa:  (melts with love for her niece)

how brilliant of her to substitute aunt randa for the princess!  sweet, sweet moment.

and the lord set the world on its foundation

have you ever been enthralled by the beauty of nature?  truly enraptured? i have a ginger friend who is often brought to tears from awe of god's beauty that shines through nature.  while i think many are sure to enjoy a vacation sunrise and sunset or two on the beach, i am challenged to recognize and treasure more of god's creation.  look around.  god has gifted a remarkable universe for his children to live and find pleasure. 

psalm 104 spoke of the lord's creation quite poetically.  it reminds us that "the lord set the earth on its foundations, so that it should never be moved" (v. 5). take a few moments to read the verses of the psalm.  they are a beautiful reminder how the lord of the heavens set the earth to purposefully fulfill the needs of his people and all the creatures of this universe.  only an omnipotent god could design such a wonder.  "o lord, how manifold are your works! in wisdom have you made them all" (v. 24).  in the midst of a world that offers so much hurt and despair, we can walk in strength, knowing "the lord set the world on its foundation."

this week i have been particularly struck by these lines:  "he made the moon to mark the seasons; the sun knows its time for setting" (v. 19).  there is an incredible beauty in the balance of the four seasons.  again, all part of god's wisdom and design.  observing the early mornings growing darker and darker as summer continues passing us by is a reminder of one season preparing to exit while another prepares to make its entrance.  i am truly grateful to live in an area that experiences a welcomed display of all four seasons, though i am certainly going to hold onto the summer moments as long as i am possibly able before i delight in the cool crispness of early fall.

bask in the beauty of god's creation this weekend.  look beyond what the world has created and allow him to speak to you through the beauty and stillness of the earth, which he set on its foundation.  seek to worship him and rejoice, bringing the lord glory forever (v. 31-34).

{psalm 104}

"bless the lord, o my soul! o lord my god, you are very great! you are clothed with splendor and majesty, covering yourself with light as with a garment, stretching out the heavens like a tent. he lays the beams of his chambers on the waters; he makes the clouds his chariot; he rides on the wings of the wind; he makes his messengers winds, his ministers a flaming fire. he set the earth on its foundations, so that it should never be moved. you covered it with the deep as with a garment; the waters stood above the mountains. at your rebuke they fled; at the sound of your thunder they took to flight. the mountains rose, the valleys sank down to the place that you appointed for them. you set a boundary that they may not pass, so that they might not again cover the earth. you make springs gush forth in the valleys; they flow between the hills; they give drink to every beast of the field; the wild donkeys quench their thirst. beside them the birds of the heavens dwell; they sing among the branches. from your lofty abode you water the mountains;  the earth is satisfied with the fruit of your work. you cause the grass to grow for the livestock and plants for man to cultivate, that he may bring forth food from the earth and wine to gladden the heart of man, oil to make his face shine and bread to strengthen man's heart. the trees of the lord are watered abundantly, the cedars of lebanon that he planted. in them the birds build their nests; the stork has her home in the fir trees. the high mountains are for the wild goats; the rocks are a refuge for the rock badgers. he made the moon to mark the seasons; the sun knows its time for setting. you make darkness, and it is night, when all the beasts of the forest creep about. the young lions roar for their prey, seeking their food from god. when the sun rises, they steal away and lie down in their dens. man goes out to his work and to his labor until the evening. o lord, how manifold are your works! in wisdom have you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures. here is the sea, great and wide, which teems with creatures innumerable, living things both small and great. there go the ships, and leviathan, which you formed to play in it. these all look to you, to give them their food in due season. when you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are filled with good things. when you hide your face, they are dismayed; when you take away their breath, they die and return to their dust. when you send forth your spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the ground. may the glory of the lord endure forever; may the lord rejoice in his works, who looks on the earth and it trembles, who touches the mountains and they smoke! i will sing to the lord as long as I live; i will sing praise to my god while I have being. may my meditation be pleasing to him, for I rejoice in the lord. let sinners be consumed from the earth, and let the wicked be no more! bless the lord, o my soul! praise the lord!

it's not me, it's you

dear sallie mae,

it's not me, it's you.  really, it's you.  my first impression of our relationship was beautiful.  i asked for money, and you willingly and generously gave.  for four years, you were a wonderful companion.  then, within a matter of six months, it all changed.  i was handed a diploma and suddenly you wanted all of my money and then some.  i can handle a give and take relationship, but suddenly you seem to be in a take, take, take mode.  this would have been fine, except, i don't recall you pulling all-nighters to write a full curriculum or to painstakingly decipher abstract algebra.  one thing's for sure, you got an "A+" in math class when the topic was interest.  clearly that is one topic you understand whole-heartedly.

another subject you understand is the vulnerability of a naive college student.  shame on you.

unfortunately for you, i am now three degrees wiser and through with you.  i now fully understand the consequences of our relationship.  and in the back of my mind (and bank account), i will forever have to live with the damages you have enabled.

today i made my last payment to you.  you have approximately forty-eight business hours to enjoy my debt.  i will expect to see another one of these pop up in my inbox shortly:

no thanks to you, i can now begin saving for my mansion my cute, little starter home (hopefully mostly move-in ready) and my vacation to ireland.

yours no more,

miranda

boot camp and 100 miles

happy july, friends, we are entering the no judgement zone.  i am back at the gym thing (got a little boost of motivation when my roommate recently joined the gym).  feels like i am starting back at zero, but i am getting myself there and that is what counts, mostly.  remember when i joined the 100 mile challenge last summer?  remember how i only got to about 60 miles, maybe?  yeah, that happened.  well, it's a new summer and a fresh start.  i joined again this year and am hopeful for a better outcome, if my shin cooperates.  (curse you high school basketball).  that new challenge officially began last week and runs (pun intended) through the end of september.  i am making slow progress with about eight and a half miles logged so far.  have to make up for lost time on vacation this past weekend. 

in the meantime, pray for me.  seriously.  i need to stay motivated.

that's not all, folks, that's not all.  somehow my friend and i convinced ourselves to voluntarily, yes voluntarily, sign up for a boot camp class.  and not just any boot camp class, but one that meets at 5:45 am.  that's about two hours earlier than my normal wake up call, so it has been a rough adjustment.  the soreness generally hits the following day, after our workouts. bleh.  the worst though is when you show up to begin warm up and your boot camp instructor just says, "follow me," and takes off running.

thankful for two friends being much needed motivators this summer.   

spoken from the heart

in reading laura bush's memoir, spoken from the heart, i found myself time and time again in awe of two things:  {1} the depth of blessings bestowed upon our great, american nation, and {2} the sacrifice and diligence of so many american leaders, american soldiers, and american citizens.  i share in laura's pride for america.  "it is easy to be proud of our country, because when there is a need, americans' first instinct is to respond."

i envision the bush family as a family of class and a family that loves the lord.  while some may argue george w. bush did not make the best political or wisest president, i believe (in my minimal political understanding), that he was the man that god had intended and put into place to lead our nation during the worst terrorist attacks that we have experienced on our own soil.  and i thank god for his leadership, strength, compassion, and endurance.  i think we need to remember that ultimately, "george did not want war.  no president ever does.  he knew how precious any child is, and every person sent into war is someone's child, and often someone's mother or father too."

and while we can debate political decisions all day long, the reality is we will never comprehend the level of decision making and sacrifice experienced by our presidents and their families.  laura bush herself noted that "the world does not operate according to the principles of 'what if?' all leaders make choices, and no one can say for certain what would have happened had a different path been taken."  whether in agreement with the president or not, i fully believe we, as american citizens, can be better supporters of our american leadership.  laura finishes that quote with "for myself, i prefer to stand against oppression, to stand, with george, for freedom."

at one point in her memoir, she discussed how ronald reagan had not acquired the most respected legacy while in office, but at the time of his death, america seemed to finally give reagan the recognition his wartime presidency truly earned.  i pray the same recognition is granted to bush eventually as i believe he led with sincere compassion, making wartime decisions that were in america's best interest and protection.  laura mimics this, too, "i am proud that, as president, george acted on princple, that he put our country first and himself last."

of course much of the memoir is centered on the attacks and aftermath of 9-11.  what a reminder this was of the uncertainties that followed for months and years of that fall day.  i can still picture sitting in mr. reynolds world religions class, hearing the news, and spending the rest of the day moving from one class block to the next just to refocus on the devastation being played over and over again on the tv screen.  laura bush understood that "we who were alive on that morning were marked by it, indelibly and forever."

in these moments, i am in gratitude of the safety and general normalcy the lord has restored in so many of our lives; though we should never forget to recognize the men and women that are continuing to fight for our safe and comfortable lives.  god bless america, and god bless our troops!

now for some other quote highlights (it gets a bit lengthy...i realize now, as i skim over the pages looking for my underlines how much i truly enjoyed laura's memoir):

"you might talk about the wind and the weather, but troubles you swallowed deep down inside."

"he might not wish to remember, but neither would he ever allow himself to forget."  {this is in reference to her father's firsthand sightings of some of the devastation of the concentration camps during the holocaust.}

"some of my longtime el paso lynchburg friends say that people who move away invariably find themselves moving back.  because they're not happy anywhere else but in el paso lynchburg."  {seems appropriate to replace el paso here with lynchburg.  am i right, lynchburgians?}

"when you do not know where edges begin and end, you are frequently surprised by what is hard or sharp."

"we lived our lives in a kind of easy oblivion and ceded the important decisions to the adults."

"life's largest truth may be that everyone faces tragedy.  learning to accept those tragedies, learning to accept that life is riddled with events large and small, events that you may cause or that may happen to you, events that you can never control, is perhaps the hardest lesson of all.  in that wrenching fact, i have faith that no one is ever alone."

"but i already know that the 'what ifs' are fruitless.  it's a futile exercise to go through the 'oh, if i only hadn't done that, then that wouldn't have happened.'"

"but i graduated with no ring on my left hand and no immediate prospects for one."  {doesn't this sound familiar coming from the land of 'ring by spring'?!?!}

"the english language lacks the words to mourn an absence.  for the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child, or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not.  still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'i am sorry for your loss.'  but for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness.  for those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives.  who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

"there is a loveliness to baseball that is only found in a stadium, that never quite conveys across the coaxial cables and pixels of a television screen."

"for that moment, as we stood watching that flag and remembering, daddy was with us."  {in connection to the day of remembrance for the holocaust victims.  laura reflects on her father's service.}

"'when we remember the holocaust and to whom it happened, we must also remember where it happened.  it didn't happen in some remote or unfamiliar place; it happened right in the middle of the western world...and the orders came not from crude and uneducated men, but from men who regarded themselves as cultured and well-schooled, modern and even forward-looking.  they had all the outward traits of cultured men--except for conscience.  their crimes show the world that even can slip in and blend in, amid the most civilized of surroundings.  in the end, only conscience can stop it, and moral discernment and decency and tolerance.  these can never be assured in any time or in any society.  they must always be taught.'" {this was george w. bush's speech on the day of remembrance.}

"i didn't even wait for him to finish but began, 'well, parents need to reassure their children everywhere in our country that they're safe.'"  {laura's response to a question regarding how our nation responds, provides, and supports the fears children of our nation faced after the 9-11 attacks.}

"they were people with names, with hometowns, with parents, spouses, and families, and they were willing to give themselves and their lives so that other dads and moms going to work on a quiet, late-summer morning might never know terror again."

"so many lives lost, each on exceptional to someone."

"but friendship is what nurtures us.  my friends were often my sustenance during the white house years.  we could talk, laugh, and simply be.  sharing those trails renewed me, body and soul."

"it was important for them to talk about those whom they had loved and lost.  the talking soothed, and it helped to keep the one they loved alive in their hearts.  so many had lost the person they loved the best."

"as i walked, i realized there are things that textbooks, photographs, or even graying documentary footage cannot teach.  they cannot teach you how to feel when you see prayer shawls or baby shoes left by children torn from their mothers, or prison cells with the scratch marks of attempted escape.  and i wept when i saw the thousands of eyeglasses, their lenses still smudged with tears and dirt.  i, who would be nearly blind without glasses or contacts, could suddenly imagine people being driven into terror, with no way to see, groping about with their hands.  and then there was the larger blindness, of the people who lived around the camps and around the world, of all of those who refused to see what was happening.  i thought too of saddam hussein, who had said how much he admired adolf hitler."  {as she walked through concentration camps and crematoriums from the holocaust.}

"schools matter.  and at times like this, i am again struck by how strong teachers, principals, and superintendents are.  they matter in ways we often take for granted."  {in reference to the recovery efforts of hurricane katrina.}

"that was the problem.  while the truth may not be as interesting, it is the truth."

"taught fathers and their children how to hug...[further] his idea was that many children do not know how to be students; they have never seen a parent read, have never sat still in a chair to listen..."  {in discussing some of the basic "human needs" addressed through fatherhood initiative programs.}

"however difficult that may be, there is no reason not to try."

"things might not change, but that is no excuse for not speaking out when the need and the opportunity arise."

"presidents are not always right, but history tells us that our core values are right and that our country is good."

"i had seen the worst of man in the 9-11 attacks and the worst of nature in katrina.  but i had also seen the very best of america in the hundreds of thousands of people who had put their lives on hold to help the victims and to help our country rebuild.  i witnessed the compassion of strangers comforting, clothing, and feeding those in need.  i had seen young men and women abandoned by their parents choose to raise their own children in love.  i had been blessed to meet and to know many of the bravest men and women the world has ever seen, our soldiers, marines, airmen, sailors, and coast guard men and women."

"the love of the bush family had come full circle; the pride george had felt for his parents, they felt in return for their son.  they too had made this journey we were about to begin and had found unexpected joys in the years beyond."

find my other 2013 reading list posts here:  les mis {part one}, les mis {part two}, march reads {part one}, march reads {part two}, when it rains, through the looking glass, to look almost pretty

to find joy in another's joy

"to be able to find joy in another's joy, that is the secret of happiness."  {george bernanos}

on a normal day good self-esteem day, choosing to find joy in another's joy is easy, right ladies?  i can find complete joy and delight in my friend's new marriage, or my friend's newest little bundle of joy, or my friend's newest promotion, or my friend's newest adventure, or even something as simple as my friend's new outfit.  and all of this, this brings me happiness.  in some cases, i may even cry more tears of joy for my friend than she will for herself.

flip the switch to a day of insecurity, and this little phrase is no longer easy.  it becomes a challenge, a real test of how much i choose to allow joy to preside in my life and in my thoughts.  and on these days, i am often defeated, as every joy of someone else's is a reminder of something i do not have, or a reminder of how my "fill-in-the-blank" is not as good as the next person's, or a reminder of something i am still waiting upon. in this defeat, my thoughts, if not also in my words and actions, become ugly and tainted, rooted in bitterness. 

the contrast of these days is reflected in proverbs 17:22, "a joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

in these moments, i ask myself, "how can i possibly allow myself to feel and express such negativity towards the very individuals whom i treasure?  the same people that have supported me through my own ups and downs.  i love them.  i do, but why does it seem so hard today?"

there is a sense of guilt and embarrassment in admitting that some days it is difficult to be joyful in another's joy.  proverbs 14:10 warns of the distress and destruction envy brings, "the heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy."  i should be celebrating the lives of my friends and family, not hiding out in envy and jealousy.

though this is something that has been on my heart for a few months, last week my little desk calendar of quotes reminded me of the depth of destruction bitterness can have on one's joy.  "to be able to find joy in another's joy, that is the secret of happiness."  {george bernanos}  what joys of my friends and family have i overlooked because i was too focused and consumed with my own insecurities or my own wants?  as i have contemplated this quote for a few days now, i am at the painful realization that bitterness and insecurity has played more of a role in my relationships than i would like to admit.  and for that my friends, i apologize.

looking back, i can see where this root of jealousy and envy has been taking hold in my life for a few years now.  i fight through those not-so-great days and then pretend as though the bitterness has no place in my life.  and i am joyful again on the good days.  until the day i realize once again that the root of bitterness still exists.  the root of bitterness still binds me from experiencing the pure joy of my savior.

but i am learning there is an element of relief in knowing that i am not alone.  and furthermore, there is a sense of freedom in knowing that deliverance and restoration are awaiting.  there is freedom in my savior when i say, "lord, i need your presence and your joy to replace my self-pity and my jealousy.  help me.  show me how to love on a daily basis.  remind me how to be joyful for others and with others because i cannot do it on my own.  remind me how to celebrate your goodness with others, on good days and bad days."

and then today, i see this and that about sums it up:  "we have to choose joy and keep choosing it" {henri j.m. nouwen}.

sometimes i feel the need to think about my posts for a day or two before i actually publish them.  like this post, for example, and a post i discovered last night about being insecurely conceited that was written nearly nine months ago. to post or not to post?  that is the question.

to look almost pretty

jane austen = favorite.  this list of quotes is somewhat extensive, and i am certain i could add more.  mind you, i do not anticipate but maybe one or two reading all these quotes from my readings.  but i do so rather enjoy skimming through my books looking for my underlines and rereading lines that stood out to me!
 
{northanger abbey, jane austen}
"'catherine grows quite a good-looking girl,--she is almost pretty to-day,' were words which caught her ears now and then; and how welcome were the sounds!  to look almost pretty is an acquisition of higher delight to a girl who has been looking plain the first fifteen years of her life, than a beauty from her cradle can ever receive."

"if adventures will not befall a young lady in her own village, she must seek them abroad."

"mrs. allen was one of that numerous class of females, who society can raise no other emotion than surprise at there being any men in the world who could like them well enough to marry them."

"she longed to dance, but she had not an acquaintance in the room."

"it must be very improper that a young lady should dream of a gentleman before the gentleman is first known to have dreamt of her."

"friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love."

"she hoped to be more fortunate the next day; and when her wishes for fine weather were answered by seeing a beautiful morning, she hardly felt a doubt of it; for a fine sunday in bath empties every house of its inhabitants, and all the world appears on such an occasion to walk about and tell their acquaintance what a charming day it is."

"this sort of mysteriousness, which is always so becoming in a hero, threw a fresh grace in catherine's imagination around his person and manners, and increased her anxiety to know more of him."

"'oh!  i am delighted with the book!  i should like to spend my whole life in reading it.  i assure you, if it had not been to meet you, i would not have come away from it for all the world.'"

"her own family were plain matter-of-fact people, who seldom aimed at wit of any kind; her father, at the utmost, being contented with a pun, and her mother with a proverb; they were not in the habit therefore of telling lies to increase their importance, or of asserting at one moment when they would contradict the next."

"dress is at all times a frivolous distinction, and excessive solicitude about it often destroys its own aim."

"...and nothing but the shortness of the time prevented her buying a new one [dress] for the evening.  this would have been an error in judgment, great though not uncommon, from which one of the other sex rather than her own, a brother rather than a great aunt might have warned her, for man only can be aware of the insensibility of man towards a new gown.  it would be mortifying to the feelings of many ladies, could they be made to understand how little the heart of man is affected by what is costly or new in their attire; how little it is biassed by the texture of their muslin, and how unsusceptible of peculiar tenderness towards the spotted, the sprigged, the mull or the jackonet.  woman is fine for her own satisfaction alone.  no man will admire her the more, no woman will like her the better for it.  neatness and fashion are enough for the former, and a something of shabbiness or impropriety will be most endearing to the latter.--but not one of these grave relfections troubled the tranquillity of catherine."

"every young lady may feel for my heroine in this critical moment, for every young lady has at some time or other known the same agitation.  all have been, or at least all have believed themselves to be, in danger from the pursuit of some one whom they wished to avoid; and all have been anxious for the attentions of some one whom they wished to please."

"'and such is your definition of matrimony and dancing.  taken in that light certainly, their resemblance is not striking; but i think i could place them in such a view.--you will allow, that in both, man has the advantage of choice, woman only the power of refusal; that in both it is an engagement between man and woman, formed for the advantage of each; and that when once entered into, they belong exclusively to each other till the moment of its dissolution; that it is their duty, each to endeavour to give the other no cause for wishing that he or she had bestowed themselves elsewhere, and their best interest to keep their own imaginations from wandering towards the perfections of their neighbours, or fancying that they should have been better off with any one else.  you will all this?'"

"catherine's feelings, as she got into the carriage, were in a very unsettled state; divided between regret for the loss of one great pleasure, and the hope of soon enjoying another, almost its equal in degree, however unlike in kind."

"'what one means one day, you know, one may not mean the next.  circumstances change, opinions alter.'  'but my opinion of your brother never did alter; it was always the same.  you are describing what never happened.'"

"what i say is, why should a brother's happiness be dearer to me than a friend's?  you know i carry my notions of friendship pretty high.  but, above all things, my dear catherine, do not be in a hurry.  take my word for it, that if you are in too great a hurry, you will certainly live to repent it."

"'you are a very close questioner.'  'am i?--i only ask what i want to be told.'"

"'well!--nay, if it is to be guess-work, let us all guess for ourselves.  to be guided by second-hand conjecture is pitiful.'"

"to be driven by him, next to dancing with him, was certainly the greatest happiness in the world."

"'a mother would have been always present.  a mother would have been a constant friend; her influence would have been beyond all other.'"

"the formidable henry soon followed her into the room, and the only difference in his behaviour to her, was that he paid her rather more attention than usual.  catherine had never wanted comfort more, and he looked as if he was aware of it."

"wherever you are, you should always be contented, but especially at home, because there you must spend the most of your time."

"the person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid."

"there is nothing i would not do for those who are really my friends.  i have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature."

find my other 2013 reading list posts here:  les mis {part one}, les mis {part two}, march reads {part one}, march reads {part two}, when it rains, through the looking glass

through the looking glass

this weekend we welcome june.  june.  where does the time fly?!?!  i need it to fly back.  still progressing slow on the reading list, but slow and steady wins the race.  i do appreciate some of my friends being so vested in this reading journey with me.  a coworker and friend of mine also has a love for books and she keeps an eye out for me at thrift stores and old bookstores.  from time to time, she snags me a copy that is on my reading list.  this time it was through the looking glass.  little gifts that go a long way!

{through the looking glass, lewis carroll}

"'do you hear the snow against the window-panes, kitty?  how nice and soft it sounds!  just as if some one was kissing the window all over outside.  i wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields, that it kisses them so gently?  and then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says 'go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.' and when they wake up in the summer, kitty, they dress themselves all in green, and dance about--whenever the wind blows--oh that's very pretty!' cried alice, dropping the ball of worsted to clap her hands. 'and i do so wish it was true!  i'm sure the woods look sleepy in the autumn, when the leaves are getting brown.'"

"and here i wish i could tell you half the things alice used to say, beginning with her favorite phrase, 'let's pretend.'"

"'contrariwise,' continued tweedledee, ' if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  that's logic.'"

"'i mean, what is an un-birthday present?' 'a present given when it isn't your birthday, of course.'"

"you see, a minute goes by so fearfully quick."

"'manners are not taught in lessons,' said alice.  'lessons teach you to do sums, and things of that sort.' 'can you do addition?' the white queen asked.  'what's one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?'  'i don't know,' said alice.  'i lost count.' 'she can't do addition,' the red queen interrupted.  'can you do subtraction? take nine from eight.'  'nine from eight i can't, you know,' alice replied very readily: 'but-----'  ' she can't do subtraction,' said the white queen.  'can you do division? divide a loaf by a knife--what's that answer to that?'  'i suppose---' alice was beginning, but the red queen answered for her.  'bread-and-butter, of course.  try another subtraction sum.  take a bone from a dog: what remains?'"

"'it's too late to correct it,' said the red queen: 'when you've once said a thing, that fixes it, and you must take the consequences.'"

life lessons from the classics.  got it, red queen, i need to watch what i say.


find my other 2013 reading list posts here:  les mis {part one}, les mis {part two}, march reads {part one}, march reads {part two}, when it rains

you can stand under my umbrella

everyone loves a good beach trip.  well, almost everyone.  a certain little one may have had other opinions in regards to the beach.

it's safe to say this trip was quite overdue, but so thankful ash did some last minute research, so we could snag a groupon and hit the road to the beach.  it was a much needed time of relaxation after racing the clock to post final grades for all my students.  seriously, i graded so many papers that week.  i repeat, so. many. papers.  the joy of posting grades before we left meant i did not have to open my laptop while on our vacation, not even once.

posted grades, packed, loaded the car, grabbed some chickfila (sweet tea is a must-have for road trips), and hit the road to sunset beach, which is located in south carolina north carolina.  apparently my brain was so fried from all the grading that week that i never realized sunset beach was in north carolina, instead of south carolina.  i figured it out though when north carolina laws were posted in our room.  vacation, i needed you!

we grouponed (can i submit that word to be added to the dictionary?!?!) at sea trail golf resort.  our little guestroom wasn't anything super fancy, but it sure was splendid for our mini vaca.  one thing i am convinced of...i do need to marry a golfer, so we can retire to a little golf resort.  and i need to retire...like now.  the room was golf-themed, even with a sign that read "teach a man to golf and a liar is born."  as the weekend progressed, i quickly observed that sunset beach = retirement community.  it was truly blissful.  the beach was quiet and relaxing and everyone was super sweet. 

friday morning we got ready slowly and ate breakfast at sarah's kitchen where we had ginormous pancakes.  and they were delicious.  sat outside listening to the seagulls and smelling the beach air.  ash and i taught emmie how to make seagull sounds.  "emmie, what does a seagull say?"  "caw caw."  she makes the cutest little seagull!

a quick grocery run and we were in the car headed for day one on the beach. our muscles got a workout carrying all of our necessities from the car to the beach.  how could two girls and a baby need so much stuff?!?!? 

after setting up camp, we realized just how much sunscreen we had.  we were prepared...or so i thought.  my skin learned a lesson at the beach that day.  sunscreen expires.  who knew?!?!  i spent most of day two under the umbrella with my coverup and my big, derby hat. everyone sing with me, "you can stand under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh..."

getting older wiser means i try to protect my skin a bit more.  i absolutely do not want to look like some of those retired folks on the beach with leather skin.

i can't imagine a better way of finishing a day at the beach than to enjoy some italian ice at sunset slush.  so smooth and refreshing.

emmie hated the water.  she also hated the sand.  so she pretty much hated us for taking her to the beach.  exposure therapy, my friend, exposure therapy.  that was the theme for the weekend.  and we did make progress...if even just a little.  another area of progress was thumbs up.  we went from this to this...

who has the best cheese bread in town?!?!  tony's pizza in calabash.  if you visit sunset beach, check them out.  delicious.  we also enjoyed a seafood dinner at ella's of calabash.  yum.  so. much. food.

thankful for time away from work to simply focus on friendship, a very dear friendship.

hoping to make this a new tradition with ash and emmie.  if miker gets an invite next time, it's probably because we need him to carry our chairs and other beach necessities for us...just kidding, mostly.

what summer traditions do you share with friends and family?

when it rains

when it rains, it pours.  i mean literally, not figuratively, here folks.  drenchburg has been getting slammed with rain since sunday night.  it seems it is finally letting up this evening, maybe?

you know what is also pouring in my life?  papers, reflections, discussion boards...grading, grading, grading.  i can't even tell you how much i've graded, just in the last 48 hours.  okay, maybe i will.  in the last 48 hours, i have graded 43 papers, 86 sets of discussion boards, and 33 field experience reflections.  winning!  the next two weeks are going to be equally as brutal, but we are at the finish line.  i'm ready to start fresh this summer with new batches of students.  you know what makes this grading life enjoyable?  friends.  friends who also spend most evenings sitting at their computers grading right along with me.

with all of this grading this semester, i am not finding much time to read, but i am trying to squeeze a few pages in every now and again as much as i am able.  i have been able to finish a handful of books over the last month or so, and will be trying to pull my quotes from them soon.  i'll share at least one set yet this evening.  truthfully, i have a few other post ideas i'd like to get to soon, but only in time, folks, only in time...

the tiger's wife {tea obreht} was recommended to me by a friend.  personally, i wasn't a huge fan, probably for a few reasons.  simply put, it did not necessarily hit the target on my preferred genres.  the bottom line, my comprehension of this book's content was low, real low.  surface level, i could tell you what happened.  ask me about the deeper meanings and the metaphors represented in this novel and i will have zero response for you.  with that said, i'll just leave you with a few quotes...

"everything necessary to understand my grandfather lies between two stories:  the story of the tiger's wife, and the story of the deathless man.  these stories run like secret rivers through all the other stories in his life--of my grandfather's days in the army; his great love for my grandmother; the years he spent as a surgeon and a tyrant of the university.  one, which i learned after his death, is the story of how my grandfather became a man; the other, which he told to me, is of how he became a child again."

"then the realization of it rushed over me:  he didn't need me with him, he wanted me there."

"and the apothecary--tooth puller, dream interpreter, measurer of medicine, keeper of the magnificent scarlet ibis--was the reliable magician, the only kind of magician my grandfather could ever admire.  which is why, in a way, this story starts and ends with him."

"he read the alphabet book, that staple of childhood learning, the first philosophy we are exposed to--the simplicity of language, the articulation of a letter that sounds exactly how it looks."

"'when men die, they die in fear,' he said.  'they take everything they need from you, and as a doctor it is your job to give it, to comfort them, to hold their hand.  but children die how they have been living--in hope.  they don't know what's happening, so they expect nothing, they don't ask you to hold their hand--but you end up needing them to hold yours.'"

"the war had altered everything.  once separate, the pieces that made up our old country no longer carried the same characteristics that had formerly represented their respective parts of the whole.  previously shared things--landmarks, writers, scientists, histories--had to be doled out according to their new owners."

"all along, my grandfather had hoped for a miracle, but expected disaster."

"for her part, magdalena indulged him.  he was a great help to her, and she realized very quickly that by looking after her he was learning to look after himself."

"all through the war, my grandfather had been living in hope...but now, in the country's last hour, it was clear to him, as it was to me, that the cease-fire had provided the delusion of normalcy, but never peace.  when your fight has purpose--to free you from something, to interfere on the behalf of an innocent--it has a hope of finality.  when the fight is about unraveling--when it is about your name, the places to which your blood is anchored, the attachment of your name to some landmark or event--there is nothing but hate."

"in the end, all you want is someone to long for you when it comes time to put you in the ground."

find my other 2013 reading list posts here:  les mis {part one}, les mis {part two}, march reads {part one}, march reads {part two}

prayers for boston

prayers for boston.

it is moments like this that remind me i'm not a writer.  but in these moments i wish i were.  i wish i were able to convey the array of thoughts and emotions that are going through my head, which doesn't even touch the surface of those who directly experience such a tragedy as the boston marathon bombings.  i can read the news lines and read the conspiracy theories, but that doesn't begin to address the big picture of why?  why innocent people?  why?  why does a normal day have to be tainted by such a devastating act?  why?  why would anyone want to inflict this much sorrow?

in a few days, i am certain much of our world will return to our daily routines with little thought to the bombings of april fifteenth, just as we did after 9/11 and just as we did after the newtown school shootings.  that is, until next year when people return to the start line for the next boston marathon.  at that point, our nation will remember and reflect on the tragedy this week brought.  however, i cannot ignore the thought that a moment like this changes life, forever.  it changes the way our nation, if even just a small population, views life's ordinary and not-so ordinary moments.  in a moment of what should have been celebration for many turned into a day of heartbreak and devastation.  for many families, life will never be the same.  ever.

i can stand behind obama and declare justice to be had, but justice does not cover the wounded.  it does not restore the loss of life and the loss of normal activity for the number of people who will now have to relearn how to do life with one less leg or one less arm.  it does not restore the joy and the laughter in the home of the family who lost their eight year old son and brother.  it does not calm the fear that likely now weighs on the hearts of many.  and that is sobering.

whether a foreign job or an internal one, the fact remains that innocent lives were harmed for unnecessary purpose.  we can argue for and against laws and policies all day long, but i'm not a political person and the reality is, this isn't political, folks. while these tragedies are often linked to political elements and political faults, it goes much deeper than that.  this is the result of a fallen world.  a spiritual emptiness in our nation and across the world.  a struggle against the pit of our sin nature.

my human nature weighs this act of sin much higher than any sin i will likely commit in my lifetime.  i know this is wrong, but it is a battle my human nature will endure for what i presume to be a lifetime.  it is difficult to take in something like this and not wonder, "god, are you there?  are you seeing your children hurting?"  and then he says, "yes, i am here.  i do see my children hurting.  i see them hurting everyday.  and that is something my son endured on the cross.  he endured the hurt and the sin of each and everyone of my children, including you."

tragedies have touched the lives of people, of innocent people, from the beginning of time.  cain killed abel.  a brother killed by another brother.  the first family scarred by murder.  an innocent life taken.  was it politics then?  no.  it was sin.  it was a world that needed a savior, a protector.  we are a world that cannot live in peace on our own merit or our own works. 

two nights ago, i was reading in the book of psalms.  i was reading through the psalms where david cried out to the lord as he fled for his life as saul and his men tracked him down to murder him, out of anger and out of envy.  i couldn't help but read this psalm and truly read it is a prayer for boston, for america, for the world.

{psalm 17}

"o lord, hear my plea for justice.  listen to my cry for help.  pay attention to my prayer, for it comes from honest lips. declare me innocent, for you see those who do right.  you have tested my thoughts and examined my heart in the night.  you have scrutinized me and found nothing wrong.  i am determined not to sin in what i say.  i have followed your commands, which keep me from following cruel and evil people.  my steps have stayed on your path; i have not wavered from following you.  i am praying to you because i know you will answer, o god.  bend down and listen as i pray.  show me your unfailing love in wonderful ways.  by your mighty power you rescue those who seek refuge from their enemies.  guard me as you would guard your own eyes.  hide me in the shadow of your wings.  protect me from wicked people who attack me, from murderous enemies who surround me.  they are without pity.  listen to their boasting!  they track me down and surround me, watching for the chance to throw me to the ground.  they are like hungry lions, eager to tear me apart--like young lions hiding in ambush.  arise, o lord!  stand against them, and bring them to their knees!  rescue me from the wicked with your sword!  by the power of your hand, o lord, destroy those who look to this world for their reward.  but satisfy the hunger of your treasured ones.  may their children have plenty, leaving an inheritance for their descendants.  because i am righteous, i will see you.  when i awake, i will see you face to face and be satisfied."

so why?  why do sobering acts of violence like the boston marathon bombings happen?  sometimes we don't have the answer.  sometimes the answers are not revealed in our lifetime.  but, we have this:  "god's protection has far greater purposes than helping us avoid pain.  god also protects us by guiding us through painful circumstances, not only be helping us escape them" {new living translation study bible}.

march reads {part two}

welcome back for part two of march reads.  the quotes for this third book are much lengthier.  sarah's key by tatiana de rosnay.  this fictional story focuses on the historical events of the vel' d'hiv roundup in paris during the holocaust where french policemen arrested jewish families and essentially led many of them to their deaths at auschwitz.

{sarah's key, tatiana de rosnay}

"'what do you mean, papa? where are we going?  why aren't we going back home?  you tell me!  tell me!' she nearly screamed the last words.  her father looked down at her.  he said her name again, very softly.  his eyes were still wet, his eyelashes spiked with tears.  he put his hand on the back of her neck.  'be brave, my sweet love.  be brave, as brave as you can.'  she could not cry.  her fear was so great it seemed to engulf everything else, it seemed to suck up every single emotion within her, like a monstrous, powerful vacuum.  'but i promised him i'd come back, papa.  i promised him.'  the girl saw that he had started to cry again, that he wasn't listening to her.  he was wrapped up in his own grief, in his own fear."

"no one loved paris better than a true parisian.  no one was prouder of his city than a true parisian.  no one was half as arrogant, so haughty, so conceited, and quite so irresistible.  why did i love paris so?  i wondered.  maybe because it never gave in to me.  it hovered enticingly close, yet it let me know my place.  the american.  i'd always be the american.  l'americaine."

"think of nice things, think of all the things you like, of all the things that make you happy, of all those special, magical moments you remember."

"her father's face.  she could no longer look at it.  he gazed down at her with such despair, such sadness.  her tears washed the image of his face away.  she cried into her palm, alone.  her father did not touch her.  in those awful, lonely minutes, the girl understood.  she was no longer a happy little ten-year-old girl.  she was someone much older.  nothing would ever be the same again.  for her.  for her family.  for her brother."

"she felt sobs welling up in her throat but she forced herself not to cry.  never cry in front of these men.  never cry.  ever.  it's only hair.  hair will grow back."

"had she ever wished that woman dead?  she pondered.  yes, she had.  so maybe that's how it worked.  that's how all this had happened.  hating people so much that you wanted to kill them.  hating them because they wore a yellow star.  it made her shiver.  she felt as if all the evil, all the hatred in the world was concentrated right here, stocked up all around her, in the policemen's hard faces, in their indifference, their disdain.  and outside the camp, did everybody hate the jews, too?  is this what her life was going to be about from now on?"

"the grass tickled her nose.  it smelled delicious.  she wanted to bury her face in it and breathe in the green, tangy scent."

"'there,' she said, exulting.  'i'm burying the stars.  they're dead.  in their grave.  forever and ever.'  the girl laughed with rachel.  then she felt ashamed.  her mother had told her to be proud of her star.  proud of being a jew.  she didn't want to think about all that now.  things were different.  everything was different.  they had to find water, food, and shelter, and she had to get home.  how?  she didn't know.  she didn't even know where they were.  but she had money.  the man's money.  he had not been that bad after all, that policeman.  maybe that meant there were other good people who could help them, too.  people who did not hate them.  people who did not think they were 'different.'"

"'be careful, julia,' he repeated.  he smiled, but his eyes remained serious.  'you're playing with pandora's box.  sometimes, it's better not to open it.  sometimes, it's better not to know.'"

"number 26 appeared in front of them.  nothing had changed in the street, she noticed.  it was still the same calm, narrow road she had always known.  how was it possible that entire lives could change, could be destroyed, and that streets and buildings remained the same, she wondered."

"an old man on my left took a handkerchief from his pocket and wept noiselessly.  my heart went out to him.  who was he crying for?  i wondered.  who had he lost?"

 "the many faces around me appeared to be serene, listening to the prime minister.  i watched them as he continued with the same powerful voice.  but every one of those faces contained sorrow.  sorrow that could never be erased.  the prime minister's speech was applauded for a long time.  i noticed people crying, hugging each other."

"yes, the war is over, at last over, but for your father and me, nothing is the same.  nothing will ever be the same.  peace has a bitter taste.  and the future is foreboding.  the events that have taken place have changed the face of the world.  and of france.  france is still recovering from her darkest years.  will she ever recover, i wonder?  this is no longer the france i knew when i was a little girl.  this is another france that i don't recognize.  i am old now, and i know my days are numbered.  but sarah, gaspard, and nicholas are still young.  they will have to live in this new france.  i pity them, and i fear what lies ahead."

find my other 2013 reading list posts here:  les mis {part one}, les mis {part two}, march reads {part one}