need you now

i cannot believe i am actually admitting it, but i am ready.  ready for the crisp, chill weather.  i have had a great summer, but so much of me feels as though summer just passed me by, so i am just ready to move on.

ultimately, i think i am looking for a fresh start, a new beginning.  a season of change.  the last few weeks have had some big highlights (more about some of these moments later, hopefully), but the last few weeks have been somewhat of an overall struggle for me...spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  i have been struggling with my quiet time, just trying to adjust to the new pattern of life right now.  and that has impacted me emotionally and physically.  in all honesty, i haven't felt this disconnected and this overwhelmed for a long time.

there were so many moments where i was fighting with myself to just crawl into bed and be still, but being still is difficult for me.  being still is such a vulnerable place to be.  it allows my mind too much time to ponder on some of the heavier emotions of my heart, rather than to simply be still and focus on my god.  why is this so difficult?  what's the secret?

i heard plumb's new song on the radio the other day, "need you now."  my heart keeps breaking over the last few days as i realize time and time again that far too often i reach for god as a last resort instead of a first resort.  yet, he still provides.  he still loves me.  he still strengthens me.  he never tires of me.  so heavenly father, i plead to you, once again, to please take these overwhelming feelings and worry and insecurity.  god, shower me with peace and calmness.  help me to be still and hear you above all the other thoughts and activity in my life.

{how many times have you heard me cry out, "god please take this?"  how many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?  oh i need you.  god, i need you now.  standing on a road i didn't plan.  wondering how i got to where i am.  i'm trying to hear that still small voice.  i'm trying to hear above the noise.  though i walk, though i walk through the shadows, and i, i am so afraid.  please stay, please stay right beside me.  with every single step i take.  how many times have you heard me cry out?  and how many times have you given me strength?  i need you now.  i need you now.}